Uncle Wiggly wants to help you with your problems. Please see the bottom of the page if you would like Uncle Wiggly's advice.

What kind of things can you help me with?
Uncle Wiggly responds:
I can help with problems in the following areas:

• office problems
• things that smell bad but didn't used to

My co-worker in the next cubicle insists on playing their phone messages at full volume. It drives me up the wall. What can I do?
Uncle Wiggly responds:
I had that problem once and here's what I did:
My neighbour was a woman; we'll call her "Sarah". She loved to hear her phone messages, and I guess she thought her life was so interesting that everyone else would want to hear the messages too. Sometimes she would replay one if she thought it was especially good (good in her estimation was someone grovelling or some salesguy buttering her up). Step 1: First, I asked her if she would please have some consideration for her co-workers and turn her speakerphone off. This step is very important if you want to feel guilt-free afterwards. Ignore it if things have gone beyond guilt.
Step 2: arrange for everyone to be around the office at a particular time to hear your message on her answering machine. This is tricky. Sometimes it's impossible. But with your office skills, you'll figure something out - the more people around, the better but not too obvious. Keep track of when your co-worker checks their messages - shouldn't be too hard if it bothers you that much.
Step 3: determine the sex and sexuality of your co-worker. Helps if they're a prude. If they work right next door, that should not be too difficult.
Step 4: Leaving the message. "Sarah", my good neighbour, is a straight woman as far as I can tell, so I had to find a lesbian or someone who could sound like one. Then I had them call Sarah from a payphone over lunch and leave the message that I coached them on. Around 1:30, several of us "just happened" to be in my office getting ready for a meeting, when we heard Sarah firing up the noise machine. I did my usual rolling of the eyes bit and my co-workers gave me looks of sympathy. There was one work-related call, and then this call, loud enough for all to hear across the room: Ooooh Sarah! Last night was great! I'm still in your bed ...mmmmmmm... What time are you..<click> Awwww, we didn't get to hear the rest, but I think I heard a coffee cup get knocked over in the rush for the off button. I haven't heard the machine since.

This idea won't work for everyone, but you get the picture. Find something that will embarrass your opponent and use that against them. Good luck with making your office a quieter place.!

Are you in Connecticut?
Uncle Wiggly responds:
No, I am not in Connecticut. Why does everyone ask me that?