THE BEST LAID PLANS

By: Fiorenzo Arcadi, Toronto Hockey Repair

No one can believe that players on our team, players I associate with would be a party to such a swindle. Nothing could or can send a jolt of fear, through the belly of our great national past time.

This is a tale of Johnny Kung Fu, Golden Joe, Bingo Man and Hick. Four guys who play hockey. Four guys, three of them who operate on the fringes of the law and the fourth who when drunk enough, will agree to almost anything.

Kurt Vonnegut talked about man being too stupid to survive himself. These guys gave credence to Vonnegut.

Johnny Kung Fu was ambitious. He had a smooth tongue which gained him the good will of Hick, Golden Joe and Bingo Man. Johnny's real last name began with an X, placing it beyond the linguistic skills of most of his friends. So he was dubbed Johnny Kung Fu. He liked the name. People who didn't know him would guess that he was a martial arts expert. Truth be known, the closest he had come to the martial artist was watching Bruce Lee movies. Artful and cunning, he could disguise the sentiments of his heart with the greatest of ease.

The plan was Johnny's, but he needed help, so he rounded up three of his teammates. These three did not belong to the group they played with. They had been invited once, by someone who was no longer on the team. They had been asked to fill in for one occasion, but they kept coming back. They stuck out like sore thumbs... socially and a common lack of ability. The four knew little of their teammates. Johnny had heard them discussing arrests, so he figured they must have been lawyers. Johnny hated them but also wanted to be part of their world. At least in the dressing room. Johnny knew, of course, that he must proceed with caution, great caution, if the scheme he was planning was to continue.

The four teammates met in a west end bar, known not only for its lack of class and decorum, but for the rounders and schemers who frequented the place. Johnny felt at home here. He told the group that he was sick and tired of his teammates parading around the locker room with their new high tech equipment, equipment Johnny couldn't afford.

He asked the group why should they have all the new equipment. Johnny winced and sputtered the words of treason. "The team is against us. As soon as they find players with new equipment, we are history."

Hick said "they'll never get rid of me, since I am the best player on the team. The team will get rid of Bingo Man first, before they get to me."

Bingo Man looked in horror and said "I am sick and tired of his teammates conspiring against me."

Bingo Man plays hockey every Thursday night to reduce his stress, before going to late night bingo. Bingo Man said "And sometimes, the stress is unbearable. The little old ladies keep looking at me, waiting for me to yell Bingo." He has only called Bingo once, and for a split second, the glory was all his, and in the same second he discovered he had become one of those he had previously viewed with disdain. However the officials checked his card and Bingo Man discovered how quickly a crowd of old ladies could turn into an angry snarling mob, when the officials pointed out he did not have Bingo.

It would be difficult to describe Bingo Man's deep sense of spiritual attachment that he found in the Bingo Hall. It was a near religious experience for him. The fact that the game was held in a church basement which was the closest he had come to darkening the doors of a church in years, lead to credibility in his warped view of a spiritual experience.

Bingo Man leaned back in the well taped chair, closed his eyes and seemed to enter a trance. He started at B1 and was up to G56 when he was interrupted by a waitress smacking the back of his head with a serving tray and telling him to sit up and shut up. Bingo Man opened his eyes to the view of Johnny and Golden Joe staring at him with new respect and admiration. They were impressed with the fact that he could remember so many numbers and were sure he could have run the whole card if that waitress had not so rudely interrupted him.

Bingo Man pointed at Golden Joe's face and said that the only way were going to get new equipment was if Joe surrendered his pride and joy. The single gold tooth that stood alone in the broad expanse of his mouth.

The tooth was Golden Joe's mark. The fact that it seemed to be the only tooth in his head was of little consequence. Once a long time ago, when he had a union job with a dental plan, he had the first of his rotting teeth replaced... with one of gold. The job did not last long and other jobs fell by the wayside, with the regularity of the other teeth leaving his head. He was one of those guys who lived at "no fixed address". He lived on the fringes doing a little this and that, always scraping by, but just barely.

Golden Joe started a string of obscenities only to be rebuked by Johnny. "Forget Joe. One tooth isn't enough. He would need a whole head full. The only way we are going to do it is scam some insurance company. The never ask any questions. Hell, we'll make it four sets of goalie equipment. You guys know how much that stuff is worth? We could get 20 grand easy. I know of a couple of other things we could invest in that would quadruple, or triple our money. What do you say?'

There was a near unanimous nodding of heads around the table. The only one hesitating was Hick. Johnny turned and looked at Hick. He knew Hick's weakness. The Italian Princess. Hick's beloved, Maria, was beginning to lose patience with Hick's lack of financial success and standing in life. Maria was on the down side of thirty, only two years away from the Big 4-0. She was still living at home and was displaying signs of an early change. She was on Hick's case regularly and Johnny knew it. She moaned loud and long any time they were out as a group about how Hick had promised this or that and every promise seemed to be on back order.

Johnny turned up the heat. "Hey Hick, a couple of grand would guarantee you a place in the Princess' good books. Hell, even her old man might talk to you. You might be able to buy her a beauty pageant" - a sarcastic reference to a beauty contest that Maria had entered and lost. Subsequently she accused the judges of not picking her because she wasn't as fat as the winner.

The pageant was a sorepoint for Hick. He had persuaded her to enter, not for her but the $500 first prize. All she received was a $20 gift certificate from a local pizzeria, and Hick hated Pizza. He glared at Johnny. "Well, professor, what do you suggest?" "First we need a car. One that isn't worth very much, and insured." Golden Joe look up and said it sounds just like that rusted bucket of bolts that Hick claims is a car."

"No way guys. Count me out. Not my car." Hick was adamant.

Bingo Man countered. "By the way Hick, where is the mighty Pinto tonight? Where did you have it towed to this week? Hell, if you and Maria ever get married and have kids, we'll be able to call you the Push family. Because every Sunday you and the kids will gather around the car and take it out for a push." Peals of laughter erupted around the table. Johnny jumped in. "Its insured isn't it? Well, if we destroy the car at the same time the equipment is stolen, you'll collect twice. An easy couple of grand for the car and for the goalie equipment". Hick wasn't too confident. Although the Pinto would run for a couple of blocks every couple of months, it was his pride and joy. In Hick's mind it was a sleek racing machine that was temperamental and didn't adjust well to changes in Canadian climatological conditions. It was a symbol of his manhood. But he also loved Maria and wanted to make her happy. Hick did what he always did in situations such as this. He kept drinking until he was drunk enough to agree.

The plan quickly came together. It was unanimous that he who hesitated was lost, so they should strike tonight. Golden Joe, ever the devil's advocate thought he had found the fatal flaw in the plan. "We don't have our equipment with us. How is anyone going to steal it?"

Johnny rolled his eyes and explained that since none of them were the goalies they claimed, they couldn't chance having their equipment show up someplace, so they wouldn't tell anyone that their equipment wasn't in the car.

Golden Joe slapped Johnny on the back and nodded agreement. This was one of the reasons why he liked Johnny. He had an answer for everything.

They set a schedule, which, important to Bingo Man would allow them to pull off the job and still give him time to get to the church basement. It was also a tight enough time frame as to not allow the sensibility of sobriety to cloud their thinking.

The four compadres poured out of the bar, their spirits well fueled by watered down draught, and headed to Hick's.

Starting the mighty Pinto proved easier than expected. All it needed was a boost. The four set off to find a set of cliffs. The plan was to get to the cliff, push the Pinto over, hightail back to the bar and then claim that the car had been stolen. If there was any question about why the Pinto was stolen as opposed to any other car, Hick was to confess that his ignition had been broken so it was possible to start it without a key. Besides, it was stolen for all the equipment (four sets - goalie) in it.

They got about 4 blocks and the Pinto sputtered and died. Hick remembered that cars tended to run better if they had fuel in them, something the Pinto lacked.

Johnny Kong Fu, always quick on his feet came up with a solution. Hell! Let's kick in the windows, leave it here and head back. "Hick, you'll get money for the windows, which outta be worth a grand plus the equipment money.

Johnny sent Golden Joe and Bingo Man to find something to use on the windows. Hick was trying to decide, not that the effect of the alcohol wearing off, whether or not he could actually go through with the scheme especially if it meant harm to his pride and joy.

He turned to Johnny and was just about to tell him the deal was off when a set of red lights started to flash. John and Hick turned to face the cruiser shielding their eyes against the high beams. They heard a couple of heavy objects drop behind them and the sounds of footsteps heading off quickly in another direction.

The cruiser door opened and voice said "having a little trouble tonight gentlemen? Please turn and put your hands on the car." Hick's heart sank. He was drunk, desolate, out of gas and about to go to jail for listening to Johnny. Johnny's mind was racing. What story was he going to use. He didn't hear the officer's voice, but Hick did.

"Hick, Johnny, what's the problem. Hick I told you to get rid of this thing. Hey Brian, It's Hick and Johnny. Where's Bingo and Joe?"

Hick and Johnny turned around to face two of their teammates. This time different uniforms. They chatted as most teammates do, and Hick declined their offer of a tow. The police radio crackled and the teammates were off. Brian, the goalie constable, paused just before he got back into the cruiser.

"Hey Hick. If I were you, I'd put that thing off a cliff and try for the insurance." He threw back his head and laughed.