HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby.
 Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
 

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
 

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
 

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
 

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
 

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler
and rub cat's throat vigorously.
 

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
 

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
 

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
 

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open
with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
 

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Throw Tee- shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
 

12) Call fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize
to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last
pill from foil wrap.
 
 

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to
leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and
pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
 

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table.
 

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they
have any hamsters.
 

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1) Wrap it in bacon.