Pancakes

	Pancakes
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There are two schools of pancake production: Cook and serve, or cook and keep warm. "Cook & serve" means that while other people are eating, the cook is cooking. It works best if you can cook one pancake per person simultaneously. Otherwise it results in a leisurely meal with lots of talk while waiting for the pancakes in the batch after the next one. "Leisurely" is spelt B-O-R-I-N-G by most kids. Using three frying pans at once will keep the cook on his toes, but it speeds up the process.

"Cook and keep warm", on the other hand, means cooking all the pancakes and sausages in advance, and keeping them warm in the oven until they are all cooked and you can call people to eat. The downside here is that the kids have to wait before eating. If your kids listen to Robert Munch tapes, you can get choruses of "Oh! I'm hungry!" repeated over and over. The upside is that the cook gets to sit at the table and eat with the rest of the family. Repeated choruses of anything from the kids may turn that into a downside.

My family is a cook and serve family, historically, but I'm open minded, so I was up early that Saturday morning, cooking the third of eight batches, using two frying pans that I crowded with 4 pancakes each.

That's when the phone rang. A low voice asked, "Is that Mr. E-ch-lin?" He mispronounced my name with a CH sound instead of a K sound, so I thought it was a telemarketer. "That's me, what would you like to sell today?"

"I'm not a telemarketer, Mr. E-ch-lin, I'm calling because you applied for a job with us last week."

"Could be." I replied cheerfully. "I did apply for a few jobs last week. Which company do you represent?"

"Insertion Agencies." He continued to speak in a low voice with almost no sibilants. In a crowd, you wouldn't have heard him more than 10 inches away.

"Right. I remember the ad now. The smallest ad in the column."

"That's it. Inconspicuous. To show your skills, we want you to drop a note in my pocket at 5pm tomorrow, stating what I had for lunch. At 5 pm I will be at 100 Charing Cross Road, in the cafeteria."

"Mike? Is that you?"

"You already know my name? I'll make a note of that." He sounded impressed, but it definitely wasn't my brother Mike.

"Well, if this isn't a joke, it's sure a weird test for a computer programmer."

"Computer programmer? The job is for a Secret Agent, that's why we used the initials S/A."

"Yeah, well, that also stands for Software Analyst. The paper put your ad with all the computer positions."

"Oh." Dead silence for 5 seconds.

In the silence I heard a soft 'pop' and turned to the stove. The oil bottle was on the stove, by the larger frying pan. The heat had just melted a hole in one side. There were about 4 ounces of oil (150ml) in the bottle, which was pouring onto the stove top as the bottle slowly collapsed.

I dropped the phone handset on the desk and rushed to the stove. The oil touched the burner and ignited as it flowed into the cup beneath the burner. I pushed the bottle away from the burner. It still had two ounces left so only two ounces were on fire beneath the burner.

I turned off the burner and waited. The fire slowly died down, and after a minute or two it was out. I reached for the spatula to turn the pancakes and noticed the two kids and my wife watching me.

My son asked, "Does this mean lunch isn't ready?"

My wife asked, "Why is the phone off the hook?"

As I removed over-cooked pancakes from one pan, and turned pancakes in another, I answered, "I've only got two frying pans. I can keep cooking on other stove elements, while that one cools enough to be cleaned. I was on the phone when I noticed the oil bottle melting. If there's anyone still on the line, I'll deal with them after I flip these pancakes."

And so I did. "Hello? Are you still there?"

"Is everything OK?"

"Everything's under control. The fire's out, no one's hurt and no damage."

"Good!"

"You're look for a secret agent, not a software analyst, so I can't help you."

"Are you sure you don't want to be a secret agent? You seem to keep quite cool in an emergency."

"No way. My life is dangerous enough. Goodbye."

"Oh, goodbye."

Click.

"Who was that, honey?"

"Hard to say. He claimed to be trying to hire a secret agent, but he acted more like an inexperienced telemarketer."

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